Nerves

Well Ignore the layout for now. I will begin editing it very soon. The purpose of this blog is to share my truth life, but also try to change others peoples lives in the process. I hope to raise money for charity through this blog and help certain people with Impulsive depressive orders like i have. I can tell you a little about me. When I was 14 I starting self-harm and it has continued since for years up years. I finally stopped about a year ago, but it has basically ruined my life and the people around me. In these years i have developed horrible anger issues, impulsive behaviors like spending money, saying what first comes to mind, Yelling at the people I love, Breaking shit, and hurting myself in different ways whether it be cutting,burning, or overdosing. I been there done that. Today is just one of those days and one thing I can say is my ex unblocked me from facebook today and it's causing my nerves to spike a bit. I mean we had our differences and we ended. I've said stuff to her I don't really mean, but like everything I say it most likely ruins everything. If you want to know exactly what i have it's bi polar depression with the great borderline personality disorder (which btw ruins everything). I have lost basically everything i feel like honestly. Best Friends, A loving girlfriend, my faith, my angelfish (yes i very close to them as a pet) Relationship with my family over this sickness. One day I'll be fine and every other day I'll feel worthless and edgy. Right now is one of those moments. It kind of feels like someone is sticking a knife in your chest and you just feel worthless and the impulses start to come back. This is mostly why I feel like i never really want a relationship. Everyone i get close to I hurt or have hurt. When my ex told me "Your just like your father." It tore me down inside because I know I'm not like him, but at the same time made me wonder. Well if I'm like him than why am i still living? I mean he is an alcoholic which i'm not at all. I'm actually straight edge, but i guess she meant with his anger and such. It still hurts that she said that because i am a really nice guy just have problems, but she does too. We all do. It's normal it's part of being human. Right now i feel like hurting myself. I just miss the thrill of hurting myself and seeing the blood run down my arms. I mean it feels good and I know is sound sick, but it does. I like blood and I like to bleed what can I say? It would just feel good to take a blade down my arm and never turn back and never see the light of day sometimes, but for some reason i still float is this abudence of a world. Why though? I have a sickness that hurts the ones around me..... and i keep doing it...... I just wish sometimes i never had any friends any family any nothing because most of the times. That's what i feel like. No I still dont have a car or my license or my permit, but i do have a great job still. That's the one thing that is keeping me moving. I enjoy going to work to forget about all the pain that I'm facing at home. Having the weekends off is great, but not when your home alone with a mind like mine. That is constantly yelling at you. "YOUR LIKE YOUR FATHER" "YOUR WORTHLESS" "YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT" "FUCKING DIE" I need a diagram right now with a brain and all the things it's constantly yelling at me. Maybe i could find one on Google. You can basically find anything on google. Well i think i'm satisfied with this post.........

-Pat.